I was melting into the sofa. I'd smoked so much dope I could feel the hairs on my hairless face tingling before they were born. I could feel each drop of urine drop into my bladder. I could feel my asshole pucker up wanting dick. Fuck, I thought, it's late. It must've been one or so. I was going to get the munchies. The store a few blocks away was going to close and I was going to go to sleep hungry from both ends of my body.

Precious luscious seconds slipped by and seemed like an eternity. I should've done some cocaine or some acid. Hell, it was Friday night, time to be out on the town partying with my friends. Friends I kept my most guarded secret from. I was a nerd with dirty underwear. God I hadn't changed them in weeks. They had urine stains and little brown streaks where the underwear would go between my cheeks and rub my asshole. I wasn't stupid enough to take them off and get them washed. What and air out my laundry? Hey, I was stupid but not an idiot.

I thought of a big fat, long dick and my straight friends. Bitch, they called me now and then not knowing that I really was. The sky looked green through the sheet rock ceiling. I couldn't remember when I had started seeing through it. I looked down and saw the tile on the floor peeling as if it had a life of its own. I looked at the walls of my ten by ten hole.

There was a cockroach eating out of a plate and another one dancing to the Steve Miller Band's Greatest Hits. He'd folded his leg to the rhythm and turn around and around then stood up, skipped around the plate, made a fist and yelled, "Yea!"

I got up from my creaky bed with the sagging springs and the swaying mattress. I held onto the wall and wondered how long it would take me to get to the store and back. Thirty minutes? I walked to the rest room and took a piss, letting out all the little drops of urine that had accumulated in my bladder since last I'd pissed. I could hear the roar of a train, but there were not trains in the vicinity. I couldn't remember how close was the closest set of tracks. I could feel the walls bend as I walked by them to walk out of the house.

Diamonds were scattered across the black sky. The street lamps were bright. I was blinded by the passing cars. Munchies, munchies, my stomach screamed. I had to have another fix. My heart was throbbing and my stomach was empty. My hair was a mess and I knew it. I thought of what my mouth wanted to eat. Mouths are funny when you're stoned. They want to eat delicious food: soda pops, Twinkies, Chocolate Moon Pies and saucy cherry pies, burritos, tuna fish salad sandwiches. I wondered how much money I had in my pocket. Would it be enough to buy half the store and eat it in the parking lot?

I got to the store and purchased a green chili burrito, chips, a Chocolate Moon Pie, some sodas, an orange juice, and some jellybeans. I walked back with my treasures thinking the only thing I wish I could've purchased was a big long extra saucy dick for desert or was it dessert? I thought long and hard and my mouth watered. I could imagine this cute young guy attached to this wonderfully big dick. He'd be tall, muscular, with big arms and thighs, a huge chest and a six pack on his stomach. I'd drink the six pack, then I'd suck his dick, bend over for him and give him the ride of his life.

That's how I would do it if I had one.

I walked to the Post Office and realized while I was walking by it that it wasn't on my way home and I wondered what had brought me to that place. You know the one with all the letters going everywhere. I thought a minute, looked right and then left and wondered if my hole had fallen out of my pocket and I worried where I was going to sleep if I didn't find the bed with the creaky springs and the swaying mattress. I headed right and decided that the street lamps didn't look right. Something about the light didn't seem right. They had a yellow haze and the ones near my house were white and bright. I looked left and didn't see any familiar land marks and thought I should go back where I came from but I couldn't remember that either so I sat on the curb, popped open a soda and ate a Moon Pie, only it wasn't chocolate like the one I had bought, this one was not very cool, it was yellow and tasted like bananas. I ate the damn thing anyway.

I couldn't remember when I had started having delusions. I must've been very young, like a year or two before, but I couldn't remember before what.

I sat and listened to my thoughts of the people that lived in my head. Yeah, there were people living there. All kinds of people. My favorite was this cute guy with the big long dick.

I walked straight, straight into hell, that's what I did. I just kept walking. And when I came to the park I realized I was only a block from my house but there were these three guys there drinking beer and I felt like screaming. Hey mother fuckers who the hell wants to get their dick sucked or fuck me. But I didn't. I kept walking, pretending that I wasn't hungry at all for those great looking guys. I couldn't really see them in the dark, but I knew they were great looking.

As I walked I felt as if they were looking my way. I turned quickly to look at them. One of them looked over and motioned what was up. I shook my head and kept walking. I walked a few blocks when I realized I was being followed and this one guy says to the other,"Lookit, I thank 'ees quiyor?"

The other guys says, "Yeah, lookit how he moves his little butt."

"Reckon we oughtter get us a little?" the first one said.

"I reckon so," the other said.

I started walking faster, only I didn't know why. I wanted dick. They followed at a faster pace and suddenly I realized they were a catching up with me.

I walked faster and faster and finally reached my house, which was a few paces away. It was dark and I fumbled with my keys. One guy reached for the doorknob and I caught his wrist. The other grabbed me from around my neck and pushed me forward. I couldn't remember why I was looking for my keys when I hadn't even locked the damn door.

The guy who had me by my neck shoved me onto the creaky bed with the swaying mattress. The other guy pulled on my belt and figured I didn't have one because he couldn't find it, so he said, "Stupid punk."

He undid my pants and pulled them down with my stinky underwear with the yellow urine stains and the streaks of caca where they had creeped up my ass and rubbed my hole.

No, stop, I yelled in my mind, I'll let you, I'll let you, just let me loose. But they didn't let me loose. I remember seeing the chickens in the yard earlier. They looked so beautiful. And just as this guy stick his big, thick dick in my mouth I could hardly breath so I began breathing through my nose and I didn't have to throw up. The guy in my rear stuck his dick up my ass and it burned and I wondered if he had used Vaseline or Vick's inhalant. It felt like the day I had eaten too many jalapeno peppers but instead of going out it was coming in and at that very moment I wondered if I had eaten my green chili burrito or I still had it in the bag that I had dropped when the guy had caught me by the neck on the way in. The guy in the front fucked my mouth and the guy in the rear fucked my ass and I wondered where the hell the third guy was going to put his dick.

The guy that fucked my mouth came. His cum was delicious, it tasted like the little white cream inside the doughnuts from the doughnut shop up the street the one with the yellow lights that said "Open twenty-four hours" and god thinking of that doughnut made me hungry and wondered if I would have some hot chocolate to go with it or I would drink it with my orange juice.

Well the next guy who entered my mouth did not taste at all like orange juice; it was more like a wienie from a Der Weinerskitsall or whatever you want to call it. The guy in the rear was moving around like he was on a pogo stick and I said, Shit, can't you fuck like a man, in my mind because my mouth was being occupied by this dick that tasted like a wienie and with all that flavor I wish he'd put mustard on it to make it taste even better. I was thinking all along what had happened to my green chili burrito. If any of these guys ate it, I'll kill the mother fuckers. I'm a black belt in Karate.

You fuck me good or I'll beat the shit out of you mother fuckers I thought.

The guy in the rear finally came and he sat down and had a beer. I cussed him out because he hadn't offered me one before fucking me. Who do you think I am? Your dada. Piece of shit son-of-a-bitch, I thought. You leave me some beer. Then the guy in the front comes and he holds me tightly by my hair and shoves his dick to the back of my throat. Son-of-a-bitch didn't even let me taste the mother fucking cum and here I am fantasizing about all the cream inside a doughnut and the mother fucker doesn't even let me taste.

When he finished he shoved my head sideways. I hit my head on the bed and konked out.

I woke up naked with the sun in my face. My head was pounding and I saw the green chili burrito wrapper on the floor and I said, God damn it, they ate my burrito. They could've at least left me that. I got up and when I turned around to look for my stinky underwear the ones with the yellow stains and the streaks of caca, there was this big good looking naked body on my bed.

How could I have slept next to that gorgeous thing and not have known it?
"Hey," I said, "time to go home, the ride's over mother fucker."

He turned toward me and it was one of my best friends, Jas.

"Fuck how'd you get in here?" I asked.

"The door was open," he said smiling.

"God did I smoke last night and I had this horrible dream," I said looking away and feeling that it hadn't been a dream because I felt like I had Vick's up my butt.

"Isn't Vick's cool?" he asked.

"Fuck, that was you, you stinking son-of-a-bitch," I said angrily.

"Humped you good, didn't I?" he said.

"You ever try that again and I'll kill you you queer son-of-a-bitch," I said wishing he'd do it again.

"Bend over you queer," he said laughing.

"Get out!" I yelled.

My other friend, Mark, comes in and asks what the problem is.

Jas is getting up and putting on his clothes.

"Thinks I fucked him with Vick's or something," Jas says.

"There he goes imagining all this queerness again," Mark said laughing.

"Hey guy," Jas said leaving a dollar on the bed, "I ate your green chili burrito, get another one and quit smoking so much dope man."

Shiftless Mind Matter © 2001 Rusty Canela

Cat Food Factory in Hell © 2001 Tim Slowinski